Three men were on a plane, a preacher, a hippie and the smartest man in the world. The pilot had a heart attack and died, and the plane started going down. There were only two parachutes, so the smartest man in the world stated that the world needs him so he was going first, and he bailed out.
The preacher told the hippie that he had lived a long satisfying life, and told the hippie he could have the other parachute.
The hippie told him that they both could have one because the smartest man in the world jumped out with his backpack.
3 men were at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, and then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, “This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
“Land mines,” said the Kuwaiti woman.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.”
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.”
Then the American threw the lawyer out of the window, saying …
Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down, and his mother was beside him.
“Say your prayers louder, darling, I can’t hear you,” said little Johnny’s mother.
“But, I’m not talking to you” was the instant reply.
A little boy and his dad went camping. They climbed a hill and went through the woods to find the perfect spot in a clearing near a stream. They set about pitching the tent. Then they went fishing, caught some fish, fried them on an open fire, then being tired climbed into the tent to go to sleep.
In the middle of the night, the little boy yelled, “Dad, Dad, wake up!” When the dad finally got his eyes opened the little boy exclaimed, “Dad, look up, what do you see?”
The dad looked up and said, “Why, Son, I see millions upon millions of gleaming stars.” The little boy said, “But, Dad, what do you see?” The dad figured he needed to be a bit more philosophical with the boy. So, he said, “Why, Son, I see that we are but a minute particle in a vast, unending universe that God has made for us to share in.”
The little boy sighed deeply and said, “Oh, Dad!” The dad said, “Well, what do you see, Son?” The little boy said, “I see that someone has taken our tent.”
A couple of opposing candidates for country office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my personal touch. For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”
“Oh, really?” replied the other, “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty & quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.”Is there anyone here?” She cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone & scared so again she yelled “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”
Then she heard a voice from far, far away “Hello! We’re down here “
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.” So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”
The guy says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I’ve got.”
The bartender says, “What’ve you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”