Joke # 131 – My Kind of Writer

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.

“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”

“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.

Joke # 129 – Technically Speaking

A helicopter was flying over Seattle when an electrical short disabled all of its navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. In large letter, the pilot’s sign read: “Where Am I?”

The people in the building quickly drew a large sign, and held it in the building’s window. Their sign read: “You Are In a Helicopter.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he determined their position.

The pilot said, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building, because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”

Joke # 128 – Golf Goof

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.

They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper’s buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can’t play toward the green at all.

“Damn!” the man says, “I’ll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I’ll make five at best.”

But his wife, who had been looking things over, said “Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green.”

The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.

A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.

As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, “Wait, look we can open these double doors and…”

“No way,” the man says, cutting him off. “I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.”

Joke # 127 – Intelligence

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?”

“I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.

“Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?”

“Intelligence,” the boss said. “What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?”

The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand.

The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.”

“What’s intelligence?” said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”

Joke # 126 – NASA Ingenuity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered the ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spend a decade an $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

Joke # 124 – Papal Request

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, “What can I do?”

The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s Prayer and I cannot change the words.” So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. “Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’”

And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s Prayer, and I can’t change the words.”

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.” The Pope replies “Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”

Joke # 123 – Where’s Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago. That, he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He`s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He`s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know, I know! He`s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”

Joke # 122 – Bar Buddies

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin”, comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ’62.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”