A man goes into a supermarket and buys a single bottle of Pepsi, a single serving bag of tortilla chips and a single serving frozen pizza. When he goes to the checkout line, the cute girl at the register looks at him and asks, “Single, huh?”
The guy smiles and says, “Yeah. How’d you guess?”
“Because you’re so ugly!”
These two green beans were crossing the highway when one of them was hit by a large truck. His buddy scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital. After hours of surgery the doctor comes in and says “I have good news and bad news.”
The green bean starts to rejoice and the doctor says, “The good news is that he’s going to live.”
“The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face.
“I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”
It was a busy day for electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice.
The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, “I had a promising career in politics until…I was framed, I tell you, framed!” His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As it was the custom at this particular prison, the man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt.
The second man was a computer scientist from University of Texas. His final words were, “I had a promising career in computing, but I didn’t think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash so many planes…”Again, the electrical switch, was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live.
The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He replies,”I had a promising career as an electrical engineering, but, you know, if ya’ll cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work.”
A woman was walking two dogs. As she passed a couple of teenagers, they commented on the size of the dogs, and what breed they were. Finally they asked the dogs names.
This is Rolex and that’s Timex, she replied.
They started laughing and said those are weird names for dogs.
Not really … they’re watch dogs.
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worried about getting seasick.
The doctor says, “Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”
The guy says, “Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?”
The doctor says, “No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, “What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The pastor says, “Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!”
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
These four guys were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “Excuse me, what’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “Excuse me, what’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “Excuse me, what’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”